On those early years of parenting

 

 

 

The other night my mom and I were talking about how important it is (and how difficult it can be) to fully embrace and enjoy the season of life you are in – whether you are a young professional in your twenties, a new mom in your thirties, a career woman in your forties or fifties, a retiree, etc.  People seem to fall into one of two categories that impede them from doing this – they are either relishing the past or focusing on the future (either dreading it or anticipating it).  I tend to fall into the future-focused group, but know lots of people who are more past-focused.  Both can rob you of the joys of the present, however!

I think it has taken me many years as well as several children to help me get my head about me in relation to this whole living in the present idea when it comes to parenting.  Although we are parents for life from the moment our first child is conceived, we are really only doing the hands-on parenting gig for about 18 years per child. When your first child is just born and you are struggling with the nursing, you are not getting any sleep, you are reading too many parenting books, you are not keeping up with cooking and laundry, you are exhausted, you are confused, it is almost gut-wrenching to envision surviving, much less mastering the whole parenting thing for EIGHTEEN LONG YEARS! When will the sleepless nights ever end?  And the fussing?  And the diapers?  The need to pay a sitter to ever leave the house again? It can seem so eternal from the perspective of a young mom. But then your baby becomes a toddler and learns to talk and walk, then she learns to go potty! (hallelujah!), and brush her teeth, then she can read and dress herself.  And then (in my case) you have another, and another, and another.  By the third one, your perspective completely changes, and you realize how fleeting and brief this whole hands-on parenting gig actually is!

If I look at my life on a 100-year timeline (yes, I fully plan to live to 100), the years where you are doing the physically exhausting work of parenting are just a tiny fraction of that life. 18 short years!  (Ok, so more like at least 27 in my case, but still relatively brief over a 100 year span!)  Wow.  Once you survive the early years of your first child and get them brushing their own teeth, wiping their own bottom, and reading, you realize how quickly it all happens.  And you survived. You probably even did a few things right. You might even be well on the way to raising a well-adjusted, kind, compassionate human being.  But wait!  That compassionate and cute human being is going to ABANDON you in a few short years to go to college, then marry someone you probably don’t like and move across the country for that dream job that the education you provided them with allowed them to be hired for!

Now that I have four and have survived (more than once) the physically demanding early years, I realize how precious these years are. Tiring, yes, but also so special.  I have a particular memory that now makes me laugh at my naiveté, of a time when I had just Sydney and Pierce and I took them to our neighborhood park to play (Pierce was a baby).  I remember getting there (presumably a little tired already from the life of mothering young ones) and helping little toddler Sydney up on the equipment and down the slide, back up on the equipment and down the slide, catching her as her unsteady feet slipped from time to time, then pushing her on the swing, all the while keeping an eye on Pierce in the stroller.  And while I was halfway enjoying this precious time with Sydney, I was also thinking to myself, “When will I ever have children old enough to come to the park and play on the equipment without me having to get up and help with every move they make?  In how many years will I be able to SIT DOWN for a few precious moments while they play happily and safely without me, for heaven’s sake!?!?  Might I ever possibly even be able to bring a book with me to the park while they play?” Then I spent some time doing the calculations and felt depressed at the prognosis.  No time soon was the answer, according to my math.

Little Sydney at one of our favorite parks in Cary. 

But now that I am more seasoned as a parent and that I am approaching the end of my reproductive years (how in the world did that happen?), I can look at these equally tiring park visits (I’m still not sitting down, people!) from the other perspective.  Wow, I only have a few more years of taking my kids to the park and spending this sweet time with them before they would prefer to play with their school friends at their houses WITHOUT ME! It is such a gift to have this time with them. Yes, I am still tired sometimes. Yes, I would LOVE to sit down with a book.  But that can wait. I have the next sixty years of my life for that.  For now I am a mom to little ones and I am so incredibly thankful for it.  I am so insanely thankful for babies number three and four, without whom I might not have gained a little more life-long perspective on this parenting journey. They have really grounded me and allowed me to relish the present, and to relinquish the initial desires of a tired, young, forward-looking mom to neatly plan out my life and keep my focus entirely on the future. Letting go of that mindset of planning out the future (when they are old enough to do “X” my life will be easier/better, we will be able to do "X" as a family, and I will be able to do "X") has revolutionized my ability to appreciate the present moment and enjoy even the most difficult phases of motherhood. (Ok, I don’t yet have a teenager, so my ability to “enjoy” that phase may never happen. I’ll keep you posted.)

 

Grant is already pretty independent at the park!

 

If you are a mom of littles and you are exhausted, draw out a timeline of your life and notice how brief this period of exhaustion is.  It will pass before you know it.  Even if you have four kids like me! Enjoy the many perks of mothering little ones: the sweet middle-of-the-night snuggles, the giggles, the quirky senses of humor, toddler talk, the hugs, the fact that they love being with YOU. By the time they leave the house you’ll probably have a good FIFTY years left for date nights, sleeping in, pursing other personal or career goals, and only having to brush one set of teeth and wipe one bottom a day!  Being a (sometimes tired) mom in your thirties (or twenties or forties) rocks!  Go with it!

 

Little Ryan swinging with a little help from Dad.

Pierce getting caught by dad in the pool.

On Seasons

I am so thankful to live in an area where we can enjoy all four seasons.  Each season has its perks (as well as its annoyances, of course), and for the moment we are really enjoying the joys of summer!  I love the more relaxed routine that comes with summer.  No rushed bedtime routines, no lunch packing, no alarms to set in the morning (we have four young kids, so no alarms doesn’t really mean much in terms of the hour we wake up, but it is nice to not hear that loud beeping sound in the morning!). One huge benefit of it being summer and us living by the beach is that we are really enjoying early morning and late afternoon beach trips as a family.  We have found that we really prefer to hit the beach between 8 and 10 am or after 6 pm.  And with the sun setting after 8:30, we have some great twilight hours to enjoy in the sand and surf – without the headache of sunscreen applications, needing a heavy cooler for drinks and endless snacking, crowds or parking troubles.  We like to hit the beach after dinner (or bring a simple picnic), park for free with no wait, hit the beach with just a towel and boogie board and play until the sun sinks behind the row of houses lining the beach.  There is nothing better to get kids to nap or sleep soundly than a few hours on the beach.  It works EVERY time!

Last night we were having dinner, and I realized it was Saturday and we really didn’t have any plans.  I looked at the clock – 6:22.  I asked Brett and the kids, “Do you guys want to go to the beach?”  Everyone agreed it was a good idea, so we told the kids to throw their suits on and grab a towel.  Our toes were in the sand by 7:00. The weather and the surf were PERFERCT after a very hot day.  Brett and the bid kids boogie boarded, and Grant and Ryan enjoyed getting wet and splashing around in the shallow water.  I decided not to wear my swim suit since we were going so late, and I figured Ryan would be tired and need to go for a walk in the backpack to fall asleep.  Well, when we got there Ryan did not want to walk or sleep, he wanted to PLAY in the water!  So I let him jump in the water and he soaked both of us in a matter of minutes.  The water was such a perfect temperature and the sand bar seemed so close that I decided to roll my shorts up and walk out to the sand bar with Ryan and Grant to join Brett and the big kids.  Well, the path to the sand bar was about 10 inches deeper than I had estimated, so I got totally soaked up to my stomach.  Oh well!  It was too perfect of a night to stay on shore.  Should have worn the suit! Eventually, Ryan did go for a walk in the backpack and did fall peacefully asleep.  We are lucky to live here, and so glad to be able to take advantage of the happy results of a hot and muggy day: a perfectly warm evening in the ocean!

These photos were taken at 8:10 pm, which is hard to believe since it was still so light!

Soaked! Oh well!

That's our crew enjoying the last of the light. 

Nighty-night!

 

I hope you are all enjoying the perks of summer that your neck of the woods awards you.  Enjoy it before it is gone! Soon we will all be sick of the heat and the sunscreen and will look forward with enthusiasm to that first brisk day that inspires us to dig out our favorite pair of jeans and throw open the windows.  Until then, happy summering, friends!

On Saying "Yes"

Grant and I ran in to Harris Teeter the other day on the way to pick up Sydney from an after school activity.  It was not our usual Harris Teeter, but one on the way downtown.  On the way out, Grant spied the moving mechanical Harry the Happy Dragon machine.  Anyone know which one I'm talking about?  We don't have one at our usual store, but I've seen them many times at other stores. He wanted to get up, of course.  And my first instinct was of course to say, "No, sweetie, we don't have time."  Or, "No, sweetie, I don't have any quarters" (without checking my wallet, of course). But, I looked at my watch, and, in fact, we had 8 minutes to spare before we needed to head downtown to get Sydney and avoid having her left destitute on 4th street, just a few blocks from the "hood."  And I looked at my cute son who had been to the grocery store THREE times that day with no complaints or misbehavior, and thought, "What the heck! Let's go for it." "Yes, you can climb up on Harry the Dragon, Grant." He was so excited.  So, he got up and sat down, admiring the view from up high. I think he thought that was it - you just climb up and that is the fun of it. Then my eye caught sight of the coin collector and I noticed the price : 1 cent.  Really?  1 cent to ride?  Has it always been that cheap? Was someone playing a trick on me?  Has anyone ever seen a kid's ride that cheap? I looked twice to be sure. "Grant, do you want to ride?" He had no idea what I meant, but said yes.  So I found a penny and put it in.  "Press the green button, Grant."  When that dragon started moving, the look on Grant's face was completely priceless.  He lit up with pure joy and surprise.  He was completely delighted with the little dragon moving up and down.  His smile did not fade one single bit during the minute-long ride. I was not expecting him to be so enthralled with the moving dragon. When Harry slowed to a stop, we still had six minutes to spare, so I dug out a few more pennies (good riddance of those heavy and otherwise useless pieces of metal crowding out my wallet!), and let him keep riding again and again and again.  And it felt so good to say, "Yes," to pause and allow him to waste some time and experience the joy of discovery for a two-year old.  Those preschool and toddler years are so precious and so brief, and there is so much to learn and discover.

Unfortunately, I feel like my job as a parent is pretty much saying "No" to the bombardment of requests I get daily from my brood.
"Mom, can I have a playdate today even though I have soccer and homework and I am one of four children?"
"No."
"Mom, can I eat a bowl of cereal ten minutes before dinner?"
"No."
"Mom, can I have a sleepover tonight?"
"No."
"Mom, can I have another serving of dessert?"
"No." 
"Mom, can I skip bath (again) tonight?"
"No."
"Mom, can I wear flip flops even though it is 30 degrees out?"
"No."

Ahhh!  I love my kids and I love saying "yes," but it seems there are so many "no's." I think this little dragon incident (which Grant insists was a dinosaur, NOT a dragon), is one of those gentle reminders to me as a parent to seek out opportunities to say, "Yes." It was one of those many daily situations where I typically would have said, "No," but on this day, I chose to say, "Yes." And his exuberant reaction to the little dragon (that cost only one penny and one minute of my time) reminded me to seek out those opportunities to be open to life's inconveniences, to be open to joy, to say yes to checking your watch to see if you really are in a rush or not, to say yes to checking your wallet for quarters or pennies before answering that you have none, to say yes to the quirky toddler years, to say yes to harmless little diversions. I love this kid. And I love seeing the little hidden treasures of life through his lens.

Welcome little Ryan Joseph

Ryan Joseph Burkhart was born on October 17 at 3:29 pm, weighing 8 lbs 10 oz.  We are so thrilled to have him with us - what a blessing he is!

Time to get him out!  5 days late...

Just born... and finally breathing after a very tight cord wrapped around his neck!

I'm not so sure about all this!

A few hours old and he gets a visit from his big brothers and sister and nana!

Old enough to hold him all on her own... wow!

Pierce is so proud!

Grant kept saying, "New baby!  Hi, baby Ryan!"

First car ride - on the way home.

Nothing better than a newborn snuggle.

 

 

 

Fall Fun!

Last weekend we were lucky enough to have perfect fall weather.  We took advantage of it by spending the entire weekend outside - in the back yard, on the back porch, on the soccer field, down by the river, at the park, and so on.  On top of the great weather, we really had no house or yard work to do and no social commitments.  It was so invigorating and relaxing to just enjoy time together as a family and enjoy the beginning of fall!  Great way to rejuvenate before baby boy arrives and wipes us all out!!! :)

We painted pumpkins on the back porch.  Great messy fun!  Grant went the abstract route, Pierce stayed true to his passion for superheroes and Sydney went coordinated, girly, and symmetrical.  All three perfectly predictable and perfectly age-appropriate! Ha!  The kids had a blast and it was a good reminder to me that I need to get the paints out more often - its been too long since I let them get really messy and paint.

For a year now, I have been taking each of the two older kids on a "special outing" once a month (they alternate months).  This month was Sydney's turn and with baby due this Sunday, I decided we'd better squeeze her outing in before the due date.  We went downtown to the Wilmington Tea Room for tea.  The restaurant sits right on the river and we seriously lucked out with the weather.  We enjoyed a full service tea out on the boardwalk overlooking the river, the boats and all the passers-by from this weekend's Riverfest.  She (and I) loved it!  What a fun treat and memory for both of us. If you are in Wilmington and have a daughter I highly recommend it.  It's not particularly cheap, but for a once a year outing, it is so fun.

Hopefully my next post will include pictures of an adorable baby boy.  In spite of the full moon and lunar eclipse I did not go into labor last night!

Happy fall, ya'll!! :)

Teacher Workday

We are enjoying some seriously fabulous early fall weather right now.  The kids had a teacher workday today, so we spent the morning at the park and the late afternoon at the beach.  It was really delightful.  When I suggested we hit the beach this afternoon after nap I got the usual push-back from Sydney and Pierce, "I don't want to go to the beach!"  "Do we have to?"  This totally cracks me up.  It is a perfect fall day and we are lucky enough to live 10 minutes from the beach and the kids don't want to go.  Well, as ALWAYS, once we got there, I heard no complaints, and all the kids played in perfect contentment until I told them we HAD to leave to get home and start dinner.  "Do we HAVE to?  Already?"  They are so predictable.

Cousin Addison and Nana joined us and made the adventure that much more fun.  Life is good.

Sydney found a hardened piece of sand in the perfect shape of a heart!

 

 

A little game of soccer with Nana before heading home for dinner.

Progress

Since we moved in to our new house in November, we have been slowly but surely making progress on all the many little projects that remained unfinished.  Brett spent a lot of time this winter building closets, and most recently bookcases in our “library.”  We’ve been slowly purchasing light fixtures and hardware that weren’t done in the original remodel.  We’ve been trying to hang some pictures, buy rugs, and make the house look and function the way we like.  It’s a journey.  And in my experience, a house is never really “done,” so I’m not holding my breath for this place to be perfect or finished anytime soon, if ever!  That’s ok.  It’s fun to have a project and to try new ideas.  After reading “The Nesting Place,” I did some major furniture rearranging and picture hanging.  Lots was accomplished by just working with what I already had.  Anyway, here are a few of the little and not-so-little things we have accomplished.

First of all, I realized I never posted pictures of our completed master bath (which has been done for 9 months). The only thing STILL missing is hand towel hangers.  I know, this is a totally ridiculous thing to have not yet purchased or installed, and I have no real valid excuse.  But, I’m picky and have very little time to shop, so I’ll buy the right ones when I find them!  Otherwise, we love the bath.  It is clean, classic, functional and the materials are good quality and should stand the test of time.  The bathroom was already a great size and layout with three really great skylights, so all we did was update.  It cost a lot more than I had predicted (of all the projects, this is the one where my estimate was the furthest from accurate!).

The tub is by Victoria and Albert; the vanity was built by our local cabinet makers (who are awesome!) at the Artisan Studio; the faucets are Moen; the mirrors and sconces are from Lowes (or Home Depot – I can’t remember!); the counter-top is Carrera marble.

Pierce and Grant’s closet turned out great!  Plenty of room for two boys to share for years to come.

 

Brett built a fabulous set of bookshelves in the room we are now calling the library.  It is what most people would call the “formal living room” and we had so many names for this room since we moved in, but have now settled on the “library” since it is full of all our books.  We wanted it to be the opposite of a “formal” living room.  We wanted to use that square footage daily, get it messy, live in it, enjoy it - NOT walk by it daily and dust it once a month.  So far, mission successful.  The kids love to go in there and read or play and now that we have a piano we are babysitting for a friend who has no room for it at her house, they enjoy playing music pretty regularly.  This picture was taken on the day I got to unpack all our books that had been in storage for over a year and the kids were “helping” me organize and shelve the books.  They were somewhat helpful, but really they just wanted to read all their books.  The bookshelf is still missing the top board, so I’ll post another picture when it is complete. 

 

We also recently bought a small settee for the library from World Market.  I got it for a great deal on sale and with a coupon (and there is no need to ever buy anything from World Market full price, because everything goes on sale eventually and they often have decent coupons).  It is big enough for me to read to all three kids at once, or perfect for a single reader to stretch out and put his or her feet up.  I walked by the other day and caught Sydney and Molly moving in to the space!  So funny!

 

In other news, we finally hung a light in our breakfast nook after almost a year of just a single light bulb screwed into the ceiling (for the exact same reasons that I have not yet purchased hand towel hangers in our master bath!)

 

I also had a small victory over a charming little dresser that I’ve had since I was a little girl (that came to me from my grandmother).  I’ve always disliked the knobs on this dresser (and there were 12 of them on a very small piece of furniture).  Actually, there were supposed to be 12, but 2 were missing and 1 was broken (and had been for who knows how many years!), and the dresser looked like such a mess with all those missing knobs.  It has always bothered me, but I guess for those same reasons I haven’t bought hand towel holders yet, I just hadn’t gotten around to getting the right knobs for the piece.  And with 12 knobs, I know it could get expensive quickly. Well, I read an article in a home decorating magazine about using sisal rope as drawer pulls.  So I copied their instructions, spent $5 at Lowes on the sisal rope and transformed this dresser.  I love the result and it cost almost nothing.  The boys have a much easier time opening the drawers now (which house many of their little cars and trucks).  Success!

 

We have lots of other little projects in the works (and are praying to get a handful of them done before baby #4 arrives in October).  I’ll post pictures as we complete some of them.